From Slap Chop to Chopping Mall

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, gentleladies and men, and everyone in between, and experience the new, the fantastic, the ultimate answer to all your security needs! It slices, it dices, it tases for dayses, it makes julienne fries! It mutilates, it decapitates, but never discriminates or pontificates! It's the Protector 101 Series Security Robot!

Friends, we all know the American shopping mall is one of the most dangerous places on Earth. These urban war zones are populated by bloodthirsty consumers ravaging the shelves by day and drug-addled burglars prowling by night, stealing anything that isn't bolted down and some things that are. Kiosks, food court tables, books of fables, urinal cakes, nothing is safe! But fear not; Secure-tronics has the answer!

First, we will retrofit every mall entrance and exit with automatic, 3-inch thick, steel security doors which cannot be opened, even from the inside. But we won't stop there, oh no. Today's criminal is not like the humble street thieves of yesteryear. Modern criminals are all mutant cyborgs with laser beam eyes and chainsaw hands, created in the laboratories of terrorist gang networks, all secretly funded by nefarious non-profit organizations like the Wikimedia Foundation or the World Food Programme. Your mall needs modern security to eliminate modern threats.

Even though it's only 1986 and the Internet consists of about a dozen Commodore 64s communicating via carrier pigeons, Secure-tronics Unlimited has scoured 4chan, 8chan, Jackie Chan, and every incel message board or chatroom in the darkest corners of the dark web to assemble the world's first team of exclusively sociopathic engineers. Together they have developed the final solution to your mall's crime problem!

It's got sleep darts, it's got tasers, it's got lasers, it's even got razors. It's no physician but it's got a cherry disposition. It respects you as it vivisects you, and thanks to a trillion dollars worth of investment in AI research and data centers powerful enough to cook the planet, it has guaranteed minimum 33% accurate friend or foe detection!

Does your mall keep getting invaded by Venezuelan drug cartels? No problem! Each robot is equipped with a dozen laser-guided AGM-114 Hellfire missiles. Secure-tronics Unlimited has partnered with the United States Government to make all Protector 101s officially deputized federal agents, making them immune to all legal prosecution. And that's not all! Each robot comes with an AI public relations agent ready to justify the carnage to the public and protect your reputation at no extra charge!

In a world ravaged by violence, vandalism, and cannibalism, it is your sacred duty to protect what's most important: your property. Order your own Protector 101 Series Security Robot today!

Thank you, have a nice day.