Eulogy for Charlie Kirk

Charlie Kirk was a champion of peaceful politics. He made a career of demonizing immigrants, gay and trans people, and basically all minorities, but you know, all in a polite way. For instance, during Pride Month last year, Kirk cited Leviticus as an example of "God's perfect law", saying, “Thou shall lay with another man, shall be stoned to death. Just saying...” That’s from the Bible, so you know it’s peaceful. That's just how Charlie was, a very peaceful guy. In the wake of his assassination, it's important for us to come together and agree that political violence has no place in America.

One need only look at our history to see the truth of this. From our very founding, the American way has been to create political change through reasoned debate. We gave the British nearly 2 decades of tongue lashings so severe that they began to flee our colonies in 1782, leaving us to establish the first, greatest, and only democracy ever in the world. After the revolution, the newly formed United States government sent strongly worded letters to the native tribes, convincing them to relocate to barren reservation land through sheer eloquence. Those tribes who refused to see reason were persecuted and murdered, but you know, in a nice way.

In 1865, decades of friendly debate culminated in the dissolution of the Confederacy and the end of slavery when Robert E. Lee finally conceded that Ulysses S. Grant had the better argument. John Wilkes Booth famously tried to restart the debate by yelling logical fallacies at Abraham Lincoln in the middle of a performance of Our American Cousin in Ford’s Theater. Booth is remembered as one of our country's greatest villains not only because his shouts were so loud they blew Lincoln's brains out of his skull, but mostly because yelling is uncivilized, and interrupting a theatrical performance is downright barbaric.

During the civil rights movement of the 60s, law enforcement sent straw men out to attack peaceful protesters with even more peaceful fire hoses and cuddly police dogs. Martin Luther King Jr., who Charlie Kirk would later call “awful” and “not a good person”, was killed on a balcony in 1968 by a lethal red herring, hurled from the courtyard below by James Earl Ray. In 1969, an FBI informant sang lullabies to Black Panther’s leader Fred Hampton to make him sleep. Once he was unconscious the FBI sent in a team of seasoned debaters to catch Hampton off guard, making his head explode with the ferocity of their rhetoric.

In 1991, the Los Angeles Police Department nearly beat a Black man named Rodney King to death with civil discourse. In April of 1992, the city threw a grand party to honor the basic human decency of all involved, and during the festivities four Black men pulled a White man named Reginald Denny out of his truck to offer an equally civilized retort.

With the launch of the War on Terror, the United States Government adopted the practice of waterboarding prisoners to coax information out of them. Waterboarding is, of course, when you drink water with the prisoner while playing board games as a means of establishing trust. This was all approved by very civilized lawyers, who wore civilized suits and had civilized degrees from civilized universities.

In more recent history, Charlie Kirk has been a stalwart advocate of peace and civility. When George Floyd was choked to death by the massive weight of a police officer’s brilliant oratory skills, Kirk was there to politely spread the lie that Floyd died of an overdose. When Kyle Rittenhouse shot 3 men with well-researched bullet points just for funsies, killing 2 of them, Charlie Kirk was instrumental in turning the kid into a right-wing folk hero, as any peace-loving person would.

In 2022, a man named David DePape nearly killed Paul Pelosi, husband of then-Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, with a hammer of pure logic. Charlie Kirk was among the first to bravely make jokes about the incident, suggesting that an “amazing patriot” ought to post bail for DePape. When Democratic politician Melissa Hortman was killed by a maniac wielding deadly bullets of inductive reasoning, just a few months ago, Charlie Kirk was there to blame The Radical Left®. He didn’t let the fact that this made no sense whatsoever stop him. He was just that brave.

The day after Charlie Kirk's assassination, President Trump told reporters he is planning to honor the man with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked how he wanted his supporters to respond, Trump said, "He was an advocate of nonviolence. That's the way I'd like to see people respond." Later in the interview he said, "We have radical-left lunatics out there, and we just have to beat the hell out of them." I'm certain he meant to add, "but, you know, in a nice way."

Trump and Kirk had forged a deep connection based on their shared love of peace and rationality. When President Trump opened America's first concentration camp in Florida, Charlie Kirk and his peers all had a good laugh about the prospect of migrants being eaten, peacefully of course, by alligators, while Republican politicians sold swag about it. Charlie cheered as Trump sent unidentified, masked ICE agents to drive around and jump out of unmarked vehicles and snatch any brown people they come across, to rendition them to foreign torture prisons, without due process. But, you know, in a nice way.

It's a real shame to see what's become of this country over the past decade. No matter how nicely the Republicans try to do a fascism, the lunatic left continues to brutally describe their behavior to the public. And now that ugly rhetoric has killed a great and wonderful, rich, young, white, Christian man, who happened to have horrific views on women, minorities, and just about everything. I hope this is a wake-up call to all those people out there who insist on "resisting fascism" out of some misguided notions about having rights and freedom. The Trump administration will not let this poisonous defiance go unpunished. Watch your backs, leftists, because a crackdown is coming. But, you know, a nice one.